Strum und Drang
by demonicbunnies
Summary: sturm und drang (n) 1.Turmoil; ferment 2.a state of violent disturbance and disorder.... the Rowan saga continues
1. Default Chapter

Rowan- I'm here in Venice (which you probably figured out). So far I've seen one or two people I knew before but I'm trying to avoid the old crowd. Not hard. The last time I saw these guys I was 12- some have moved, others have moved on, and some are dead; the rest hang around. I walked through the old neighborhood. Kept my sweatshirt's hood up and walked fast, but I still stopped when I came to my old house. I mean it looked so plain, so old. That this was the place where my dad reigned supreme, that this was the place where fear was learned, that this is where I learned to swallow a pill dry. It was weird.  
  
I used up enough of my cash and went to a club; saw a band you'd like. The drummer and singer are husband and husband. That wasn't what was weird but there were teenybopper girls who saw them on TRL screaming about how hot they were. They didn't 'act gay' or anything. Is that what people see when they look at me? A normal guy? I mean you're the first person I ever told. Someone else found out but. I mean I distanced myself for no reason kind of a thing? I dunno. I'm just kind of babbling. It's hard not to when you're staring at a blank sheet of paper with too much to say. That was a bright side of Horizon. You always knew what was happening to everyone else because news travels fast among the social rejects.  
  
I dunno a lot of things. But the address on the cover- it's a couple of friends of mine who work at a music store (Fanatic) that you'd like that I used to go to all the time. I don't think they're gonna tell anyone where I am. They're good guys- they agreed to check to see I can have a part time job so I can have money to buy a better hotel to sleep, food, film and even have a bit of spare for pocket money (it'll go towards a fistful of train tickets to where I eventually want to end up or shows and CDs) How are you and Gabe going? Jaime 


	2. Woke Up

Disclaimer for the length, width, height and weight of the story: I do not own Higher Ground and all affiliated characters and plot lines (Fox does and deserves to be sued for their gross misuse of a splendid idea and concept. Damn you corporate scum). I do not own Ireland and/or the language, people or customs of Ireland. I own the characters, past and actions of Rowan, Gabe, Dwayne, Jaime, Jasper and all characters I add in. Any similarities to true events and people in this story were unintentional of the author.  
  
General Audience may pay attention now- Major props shall go out to Emer for teaching me a bit of Irish proof reading (she checks my detailing of Ireland and the Irish language/customs/people) Thanks! (I feel all smart and special..)  
  
*********************************  
  
Rowan woke up to find Gabe sitting on his chest. Not giggling, not sleeping, just sitting and staring at him. Maybe thinking. "Hello," said Rowan.  
  
"Jasper said to tell you that it was raining in Ireland like a drunk man pisses."  
  
"Um, ok. Thanks Gabe. Anything else?"  
  
"He wants to know if you'd like to visit Ireland with him."  
  
"What?" Rowan sat up and Gabe rolled backwards off his chest onto Rowan's feet. "Hey, where's Captain Spoon Bear Man?" Rowan tried to distract his mind from reeling as he ran Gabe's last words through again.  
  
"He's getting a bath in the washing machine."  
  
"Not your idea?"  
  
"No." Gabe sounded pouty. Rowan yanked his legs out from underneath Gabe's slim body. Here was the intelligence in sleeping and wearing your shoes. He reached down and picked a shirt off the floor. Sniffed the 'Anna Nicole Smith Ate My Little Brother' shirt - it didn't smell too bad. "You wore that yesterday."  
  
"So."  
  
"And the day before that. And the day before that. AND you-"  
  
"OK, I get the point. I'll wash it later."  
  
"OK. Hey! Captain Spoon Bear Man should be ready to be dried now! Maybe I can get into the dryer too!" Gabe sprinted off though Rowan shouted for him to stay out of the dryer. Rowan walked to Peter's office, feeling too old at the moment to run. Like he expected, Jasper sat there waiting. "Where have you been? I told Gabe to wake you up an hour ago."  
  
"Yeah, well Gabe fell through. He spent the hour watching me sleep. Your idea to wash the Bear?" Jasper nodded. "Nice move. I've been trying to think of a way to do it without him noticing. So how was Dublin?"  
  
"Nice. Snowy and raining."  
  
"It's Ireland."  
  
"I noticed. But I talked to the manager of the tour I'm with and mentioned your name. He remembered you- Billy Watkins, did the last tour you were on?" Rowan nodded, waiting for Jasper to get to the part where he was invited to go back to Ireland. "He wants to know if you'll guest on the tour for a couple of days- like 3 weeks."  
  
"Really?" Great, thought Rowan. I tried to sound all cool and collected yet I come out sounding like a 12-year-old boy going through puberty.  
  
"Yeh. We'll go a week and a half in Dublin- show every other day after a few days to get comfy in the routines, practice every day, 7 hours-"  
  
"Run the show twice with one break?"  
  
"Right. Then we'll hit Limerick for a few days and then to Cork. Major cities."  
  
"We're not hanging around An Dún*?"  
  
"The tour is doubling back but after your guest is over. You're on the strum up enthusiasm leg. Sorry."  
  
"No, it's ok. So what else? Pay? Lodging?"  
  
"Pay, pay, well there's a deduction for the lodging- which you'll be doing with the rest of the group but. $650 a week." Rowan coughed. Not the figure he had expected. "You're guesting! And besides, you're only knifing."  
  
"Only?!"  
  
"Yeah, me and you. But you'll probably get a nice bonus at the end. Think of it as an opportunity."  
  
"Yeah. Opportunity. Sure."  
  
"Speaking of knifing, how are you? I told Billy that you were at your peak. Tell me you're somewhere in that vicinity."  
  
"Nearly. I've worked on a couple new tricks on my own but JuV and other such detention centers don't give you loads of places to practice or the materials to do so."  
  
*Down in Irish (the county)  
  
(later) Rowan leaned against the shower wall, letting the sweat and water roll off him to puddle on the floor and drain. He felt too tired to stand here but enough people complained about his smell after the practice session that he felt obligated to bathe. Maybe even put clothing into the laundry circuit. His mind felt dead though. Strange how the thought that went into throwing a knife into the air and catching it could numb your mind. True, it was a butterknife because Peter wouldn't allow anything else but those suckers hurt if they slapped you in the wrong places.  
  
He palmed a load of shampoo and rubbed it into his hair. Remembered when he had dreads, how much it had annoyed him that his hair had been always so stiff and nasty but even hygiene was less important than pissing off Dwayne. Dragging his hands down he felt the jagged pink scar that traced the side of his face. One day he would have to explain that scar to Gabe. One day he would have to explain a lot of things to Gabe. Not right now though. Gabe was healing; talking a little about. now was time for Gabe.  
  
He held his hands up to the sputtering water, watched as water rinsed soap from each little nick that had healed the wrong way and left a mark. Each little nick he had picked at, infected, until his hands hurt to close, until his hands hurt so much he felt better about the rest of himself.  
  
Reluctantly Rowan turned off the water and rolled his torso, rolled out the kinks that nagged muscles in his back, in his arms, his neck. He had stopped showering with his boxers on, finally. A seven-year habit that he broke on his own, over the course of 3 months, complete with panic attacks that Auggie overheard once and misread, but now he couldn't tell anyone of his victory because no one would understand. They couldn't know the terror he felt whenever he undressed, no matter how sure he was that he had locked the door or how many towels he put over the window until it was safely fogged beyond sight. How scared he was to fall asleep, what might happen in his dreams, in real life. There were some things people couldn't understand.  
  
He reached down for clean clothes and began to dress. He always felt better when he was covered up and no one could see his infected and disfigured skin. 


	3. Letter to You 2

Rowan- You get to go Ireland? You lucky. I mean, I told you this over you going insane on the $2.75 per minute phone call and so how the hell are you going to last the plane? That's like 8 hours right? Do you still want me to talk to you there or whatever? I dunno.  
  
Good for Gabe- that's he's talking about. everything. That's good. Maybe if I were his age it wouldn't be so bad. What about you? Have you been talking Frank? You got to get it out you know. And maybe you can set a shining Hallmark example for me.  
  
Yeah but I forgot to tell you my 'news.' It wasn't coincidence I was at the store when you called. The guys there got me a job so now I have money coming in. So I can pay the hotel, eat; buy film (and develop it too) and go buy CDs or see bands. Yeah the pay's crappy but it's enough. The new hotel is a cheap hole but I know the people who run it (sometimes my dad would take him there and Kyle used to stay there when he first ran. so I know the guys through him) so I'm sure that at least I'm getting clean sheets.  
  
I called that guy you talked about- Alan, no, Alby. Sent him some of my better pictures- someone passed out on the doorstep of Fanatic, middle of the [mosh]pit snaps, underneath a car as the car is driving (that was a painful shot). Some pics from the skate park down the street- most people there are ok as long as I don't jump in front of them- I got a pic of a guy jumping over me. and about 15 of the his skateboard hitting me. The guys at the store really like me snapping pictures all the time. Thinks it's cool and rock journalist-esq. And this 20something who comes into the music shop a lot- Hazen- he was looking at a couple of the pictures I have around the shop and really liked them. I knew he runs this indie-art gallery but then he said he wanted to feature me. I mean, holy shit!! It's gonna cost a bit for me to enlarge the pics but it's worth it. I know that a lot of agents will hit the gallery to see the next big thing and maybe that'll be me. Plus Hazen is paying to feature my pictures- he says they'll bring in crowds. My only thing is I know the guy is gay so I'm hoping it's not me me that he's taking an interest in so much as taking pictures me. I dunno.  
  
So best of luck with the Ireland thing if I don't here from you. Hope Gabe and you like it. Gabe's never been there right? I'll talk to you when you get back or whatever. me  
  
And yeah I've been taking my meds. God. What do you want? The empty prescription bottle? I can get monthly fills at Clinic-I just got to pay extra. I showed the doctor people the bottle (I blacked out my name and everything) and they pretty much get I got problems.  
  
And thanks for the package. CDs and stuff were God-like. And no you don't have to send money. So stop. Don't make me feel like a beggar- I want to do this more or less on my own. 


	4. Darkness

Rowan stood in front of the refrigerator, his face glowing with the light from the bulb. The rest of the kitchen was dark, quiet. He didn't mind that- let him relax. He did mind the noises his stomach was making- he hadn't meant to miss dinner, he had just slept through it. Jasper was working him harder as the days progressed, showing him tricks Rowan wasn't allowed to touch when he was younger, and letting Rowan try out new ideas- though most of the ideas he turned out were shot down. Only a day or two left before the plane. He ran his hand threw his shorn hair- it spiked and was blue but lacked an inch and a half. An inch and a half he missed.  
  
"Wasting your life away?" Rowan jerked his head at the sound of the female voice. Daisy stood there in the shadows. "I'm remembering the good old days when I had more hair. Great, now I sound like I'm 80 years old."  
  
"Huh. Well you're wasting electricity." Rowan turned back to the fridge and pulled out the makings of a sandwich. He started to close the fridge and turned back to Daisy whose face was disappearing in the closing light.  
  
"You want anything?" She shook her head before the light fully went out. He walked to the table, eyes quickly adjusting to the light from the moon that made it's way in via the cracks and missing threads in the curtains, from underneath the door and the small red lights from the various appliances that wished to prove that they were alive.  
  
"How can you see anything?"  
  
Rowan shrugged and realized she couldn't see it. "I dunno. I have magic eyes?"  
  
"The cute remarks might get you off with Peter and the rest of that gang but you can't use them on me Douglas."  
  
"So were on a last name basis now?" She shrugged.  
  
"It just seems to fit. Add to the menacing tone." She reached her hand out, groping and Rowan grabbed it, placed it on the cool table where he made his sandwich straight on the metal, crumbs falling where they may. "How are you going to fit that in your mouth?" He shrugged.  
  
"So why are you in here?" He pushed the mammoth stack of bread and fillings into his mouth.  
  
"I want to know where Jaime is." He choked coughed and almost regurgitated his sandwich but swallowed hard.  
  
"I don't know where he is." He got up and went to search for something to drink, grabbing a carton of chocolate milk. He showed it to her- "Milk- I heard it does the body good. So milk."  
  
"Good stalling but I want to know." He tried to protest but she continued on. "I know you know and I'm not trying to get you to tell Peter or anyone or even tell me where he is. Just, is he ok?"  
  
"Yeah. He's fine. Great."  
  
"You going to follow up on him?" Rowan choked again. He really had to stop eating while Daisy was talking because the bombs she was dropping was slowly destroying the lining of his throat. He went through the ritual again of coughing choking and swallowing, taking part of his throat with the chunk of food. "I mean think about it. He was gay, you've got a history with, er."  
  
"Prostitution?"  
  
"Yeah. A history of you know."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"So like implying."  
  
"Anyone else come to this conclusion?"  
  
"No. Not that I know of. I think they all think you weren't expecting it. The look on your face was pretty disbelieving when he came out. I've just been thinking about it."  
  
"Huh." Rowan deemed it safe to take another bite. "Has Kat said anything about me?"  
  
"She wishes you were closer to her."  
  
"Knew that. Anything else?"  
  
"No."  
  
"I just, we're alike but some things not everyone could get. You know?"  
  
"Yeah. Well I'm going to bed."  
  
"Wait! Why'd you ask about Jaime?"  
  
"He seemed to be a half decent guy and it was shitty of us how we treated him. Kinda cute too but that road has been destroyed. Tell him that?"  
  
"Yeah." Rowan sat in the darkness and finished his sandwich. Putting dishes in the sink he walked towards the moon lit dock, pulling paper and pen from his pocket. 


	5. Welcome

Gabe raced around the hotel room. "Look!" he kept shouting. "Look! Tiny soaps! Can I jump on the bed! I wanna get fish and chips! What are fish and chips! Are we going to go outside! And and!" Rowan and Jasper dropped the bags and flopped down on the bed, eyes closed, exhausted. Gabe jumped up onto the bed next to them and started to bounce, his feet seemingly getting closer and closer to their heads. Rowan grabbed him around the legs and brought Gabe crashing down onto the slim pillows and hard mattress. "I think I want to take a nap," yawned Gabe, suddenly sleepy as the time change caught up with him.  
  
"Really?" asked Jasper and Rowan, trying not to sound too excited. Gabe curled up on his side and was soon fast asleep. "I'm going to say my favorite Gabe is a sleeping Gabe," remarked Rowan, watching Gabe breathe through his mouth, drool already forming.  
  
"Isn't it everyone's? But I think I'm going to use some of those tiny soaps and shower," Jasper groaned as he sat up slowly; back aching from the long plane ride that seemed longer with Gabe everywhere after he drank 3 sodas.  
  
"I think I'm gonna go for a walk." Jasper caught Rowan's eye and nodded.  
  
"Just stay out of trouble, K? And get back here by 7- we're having dinner with Billy." Rowan nodded and stepped across the doorframe. ********************  
  
Rowan stood in front of the plain looking flat. Small like most urban places. He lifted his hand and knocked, once, twice. A fair teenage girl with light brown hair in small cornrows and green eyes stared back at him, opened the door. "Um, i know this moight sound strange but i used 'a know someone who'd lived 'ere and i um, i um,"  
  
"Rowan?" The girl stepped forward, the screen closing, snapping behind her.  
  
"Evelyn?' She nodded. "Christ girl! You're supposed to be 5 years ol'!" She laughed and hugged him, he hugged back. What had it been? 9 years too long? He held her arm length. "I feel old but, damn. You grew up." She smiled and motioned for him to come inside.  
  
"Pat's here- he'll be insane to see you." He stepped across the doorway and into the flat where he had spent so much of his time when ever he and Sara were back in Dublin, on break. ******************************  
  
"Pat!" cried Aisling as she let herself in his bedroom window. She folded upwards and stood, began walking towards the door and the living room where the noise seemed to be coming from. "If this is about Gerald, just let the fuck go! He's an idiot! And if you're back together again than great! Where are you!" She entered the living room to see the whole gang there- Patrick, Evelyn, Nate and Owen. There was someone else there, someone laughing. "New boy, Pat?"  
  
The laughing boy stood up. "And here I was thinking that you'd remember me. But fuck that- who's Gerald?" Amber allowed the memory of a voice to deepen, mature and lose part of the innocence they all had had at one time and a second later she knew who it was. Flinging herself across the room she hugged Rowan about the shoulders, legs around the waist, he stood with her wrapped around him, hugging her back, kissed her hard on the cheek. 8 years was a long time for someone who didn't write or call. Truthfully the only time anyone ever heard from him was when he was in JuV- only time he knew he'd be somewhere long enough to write and get a response. He'd been writing a lot recently, from this Horizon place.  
  
Rowan put her on the ground as she looked at him, really saw him. The spiky hair looked only slightly longer than the crew cut he had last, but definitely a lot more blond. Peroxide. He had grown, was taller than her whereas she used to be the one who towered over the gang. Two fingers traced the scar on his face. He always had little scars and bigger bruises but this seemed beyond what his father would do to him. He grabbed her fingers and gently pulled them off the scar. "Thrown into a mirror."  
  
"O mo Dhia*." He didn't say anything, just let her stare. She hugged him again, more carefully and then fell into the couch. He sat down a little more gracefully. "So what have you been up to? What's this place Horizon really like?"  
  
"You already know it's supposed to ease me off drugs and shite, stop the self mutilation. Not much else to it." She fingered his shirt-covered wrist, couldn't help it. That was about the time he had started talking to the gang again- the first time he tried to kill himself. For a year and a half they had heard nothing from him, not even a complementary letter, then a 'I tried to hang myself so I figured I'd tell the people I care about' note written on an index card that said the name of a strip club on the embossed front. And then he was back to talking. Just every so often another 'I changed my address- I'm now at this JuV, I'm now here, now there'.  
  
"Does it work?"  
  
"Well enough. Got more to go for now."  
  
"Like?"  
  
"As I was telling the rest of them- Jasper reappeared and I made a few friends." She started to say something and he cut her off. "Yes I can make friends. Other than you blokes. And these friends don't know half the pissers you all do. Not to mention I found out I have a brother." He covered his head as they all threw various possible missiles at him, yelling why hadn't they told him before? Aisling did no such thing, just slapped him upside the head. "So I'm guessing you don't want ta hear bout it?" She smacked him again and Patrick tackled him and easily, the 5 of them pinned him on the ground, between the table and couch. "Alright, alright- so about 2 months ago Dwayne- my case worker, 'member? shows up this kid and drops the bomb. He's like 'yeah- your mum dropped him off at school and then didn't pick him up.' Dwayne heard about him and realizes he's my brother, did a blood test and it matched all the pints I had on file. His name's Gabe and he's 5 and a half. Really sweet kid. Chip off no other block."  
  
"Huh," remarked Owen. "So you're keeping him, right?"  
  
"Yeh. I'm now 'is legal guardian."  
  
"So you get to go to parent teacher conferences?" asked Nate, grimacing, remembering how those always ended up getting him in trouble. Rowan nodded and began to struggle to sit up. Slowly all got off him so he could breathe.  
  
"You all meet him later. After the dinner with Billy."  
  
"What time?" asked Mrs. Galway, walking in to see what the substantial crash was that had ruined the line of neat picture frames and clattered the teacups filled with coffee that were skewed on the table.  
  
"Supposed to meet them at 7, bathed and clean."  
  
"You realize it's ten of?"  
  
"No! Christ!" Rowan sprang up.  
  
Minutes later, Rowan stood in the shower, waiting for Patrick to bring clean clothes. But he wasn't ready for Patrick to open the door without knocking. "Christ! What the!" Rowan turned his body to face the shower wall.  
  
"I'm just bringing-"  
  
"Don't look at me! Alright! Don't look-"  
  
"I'm not." Rowan glanced over his shoulder and Pat was facing the closed door. "Rowan, um, did something happen at one o' the houses you were at?"  
  
Rowan sighed and turned his eyes back to the wall. " A couple of things happened at a couple of places I was at." He turned his head again. "Hey- I know you're out and proud but."  
  
Pat laughed, sensing the problem. "You're borrowing my baggiest Vans and a lose black T-shirt. And a gray shirt for underneath."  
  
"Err, it says what?"  
  
"Nothing. I'm wearing my 'I suck dicks' shirt. Sorry. You can borrow it later though." Rowan laughed. He had sent Pat that shirt but hadn't expected him to wear it.  
  
"I'll remember that. Savor the memory and then hold it over your head so I steal it."  
  
"You gave it to me."  
  
"You remembered?"  
  
"You're my best friend." Rowan didn't know what to say to that. Best friends wasn't being the only two people who knew who the Sex Pistols were in first grade or being two of the few knackers in the school. What could he say to that? 


	6. Liberal

Rowan bolted into the restaurant and nearly bumped into a waiter. He blurted out an apology receding back into the thick bogger* accent he was born with, an accent he normally masked. The waiter sneered and turned, muttering under his breath, "Knacker*." Rowan held his breath for a moment. There was a time when he would have called the waiter some filthy things for that remark but he knew no one would have his back. Fish out of water- even the playground had had a fence and friend in it.  
  
Instead Rowan turned and scoped out the restaurant. He didn't seem to be too underdressed for his age group. Finally, off in a corner, he spotted Gabe standing on his seat, hand shielding eyes from the glare of the harsh glare of the mood lighting of the restaurant, the soft glow peppered with lit cigarette butts. Rowan picked his way between tables and dodged platters of food and drinks until he reached the table. Gabe prepared to jump into his arms for a hug but Jasper crunched that idea with a crisp, firm, "Sit." Evidently after 3 hours with Gabe Jasper had become a disciplinarian. That was a new record for Gabe, especially as he must have been asleep for part of the time.  
  
"Hey 'ope you don't mind but we took the liberty of ordering for you," said the man Rowan guessed was Billy aged 11 years.  
  
"Yu huh!" said Gabe, who thankfully, was sitting. "And we gots you Coke!"  
  
"And a glass of wine," said Jasper. "We figured since this might be business you should be treated like an adult."  
  
"As apposed to?" Rowan looked at Gabe who drank his soda slurping and smiling as the bubbles tickled the back of his throat. Rowan just smiled and nodded, question answered, turning back to Billy and Jasper.  
  
"And if this turns into pleasure, wine could do as well," joked Billy. Rowan smiled. Billy seemed to be the same as before. Good naturedly Billy reached out and ruffled Gabe's dirty blond hair. Rowan remembered when it was his dark brown hair under the calloused hand, and Sara's darker hair too. Strange, he thought, with each kid my dad 'fathers' the hair gets lighter and more shot with blond. Weird. "So how is Ireland treating you? Feel strange?"  
  
"Some of the houses and shops changed and one or to roads seemed to have given way to new neighborhoods- the buskers have found new locations I'm guessing. One can only see the same guitar player before just taking it for granted I guess."  
  
"And I never thought I'd see you with piercings. When did you get those?"  
  
"A year or two ago. I had others, a tongue stud, eyebrow ring, but I took them out. I had most of each ear pierced at one point but most of those have closed up."  
  
"Will you take them out for the performance?"  
  
"Sure. I know how that works- I'll take them out for practice too."  
  
"Well someone's giving. So Jasper has filled you in on pay and lodging?" Rowan nodded and took a sip of his soda. His manners might not be worthy of high company but he knew he should at least wait for the food to come before attacking the wine. "Did he tell you that if you fit the company and if I still like your style then once you're able to you've got a permanent spot?" Rowan couldn't say anything but glared at Jasper. "I'll take that as a no. But it's up to the company. Some of them remember you or your legacy."  
  
"Yeah legacy. I was 6 years old."  
  
"You were and are a prodigy." Jasper put his fingers over Gabe's straw and pinched it so the air that Gabe was blowing no longer made bubbles. "Partly your father's doing and partly your own skill." Rowan stopped smiling. He had hoped no one would go into this.  
  
"Speaking of your father are you going to visit-" Billy stopped when he realized that Rowan was shaking his had for him to shut up. Rowan discretely motioned to Gabe who was silent and watching them.  
  
"My dad? Are we going to visit him?" asked Gabe, looking between the faces. Billy's was embarrassed, Jasper's struggling to think and Rowan's pale, each was waiting for the other the other to speak first.  
  
"Um, I don't think so Gabe," said Rowan quietly. Gabe started to question but Rowan simply said, "He's not a very nice man." Gabe nodded his head solemnly and went back to slurping on his soda. Rowan had heard the sigh and knew he'd have to explain a few things to Gabe later.  
  
Thankfully the food arrived and conversation turned back to what Billy had done since Rowan had exited Stage Ireland. Gratefully Rowan sipped his wine. God he couldn't wait to get back to Pat's- beer and music and beer and fags** and beer. Beer would be good- maybe he could get properly sloshed enough to think of a good reason to tell Gabe why they couldn't visit Daddy Dearest with out mentioning anything about their father's personality or where he was.  
  
The evening passed and Billy left, off to his own home and Rowan turned to Jasper and Gabe. "Pat invited me over to have a beer or-"  
  
"Seven?" jumped in Jasper.  
  
"Yeah well I was going to say you're invited but me and Gabe can do just as well."  
  
"Pat?" asked Gabe, looking up, confused.  
  
"A friend of mine that me and you are going to visit."  
  
"Don't count me out so quick!"  
  
"Well you know, maybe your old age is catching up and you need to go to bed. Heck, maybe your liver is going to start failing soon so you better cut back on the alcohol."  
  
"I'm turning 30 in three years, not three months."  
  
"Should I buy you some old people's diapers?"  
  
"Shut up and start walking." With Jasper heading off, Gabe thrust a sticky hand into Rowan's and began to pull.  
  
"What's going on?" he asked, looking back at Rowan.  
  
*- Traveler (aka Gypsy) **Cigarettes 


	7. Once A Time ft Brand New

Rowan tongued the top of the beer bottle, licking off the wet drops. "So that's Gabe?" asked Patrick, coming to plop next to him.  
  
"Yuh huh."  
  
"He's cute!" said Aisling; coming to sit on Rowan's other side. "Good thing he doesn't take after his brother in that area." Good naturedly Rowan pushed her, keeping his eyes on Gabe who was running around Nate, Evelyn and Owen. He knew Jasper was inside hanging out with Mrs. Galloway, probably discussing the good old days when they all took naps.  
  
"Distracted much?" asked Patrick, eyes averted.  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Forget it."  
  
"Sorry. It's just I don't know what to say."  
  
"Explanation please."  
  
"Being back here. it's all just kind of setting in. You know?"  
  
"Yeah I guess." Patrick sound quiet, defeated.  
  
"Just. there's so much I wanted to tell you guys and say and come off as so changed and whatever and now that the moment is here."  
  
"The Moma Dance!" Evie came over and sat down, leaned against the other wall, the boom box closest to her.  
  
"You're a Phish fan now? Patrick! How could you lead your sister so astray?!"  
  
"Quiet you," said Nate. "If Evie wants to be out of her head then fine. She's just not the same as all of us and for that we must be nice to her."  
  
"Yeah!" Owen joined them, Gabe running off inside. "We speak quietly around her."  
  
"We keep to gentle topics." Aisling was getting in on it now.  
  
"And we file down all the rough spots on all the furniture in case she has another one of her spills." Patrick laughed.  
  
"Piss off all of you!" Evelyn tried to act dignified and put out but she couldn't help smiling. Hello good all days where she was always the source of their amusement. Hello memory book.  
  
They all laughed and Rowan perked as the next song's opening riffs began. "Know this song. I sent you all the CD."  
  
"And we took this song and put it on a mix, just for you!" Aisling batted her eyes lashed and smiled innocently.  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No." Aisling gave a true grin and kissed his cheek. "Only kidding. Sort of."  
  
"Love you all too." Rowan sang softly the first chorus- "Whatever poisons in this bottle/Will leave me broken sore and stiff/But it's the genie at the bottom whom I'm sucking at/He owes me one last wish/So here's a present to let you know that I still exist/I hope the next boy that you kiss/Has something terribly contagious on his lips."  
  
"So Rowan- who is this Kat that you wrote about?" said Owen leaning in. "This is why I should learn to write short emails." muttered Rowan.  
  
"But we love to try and decipher your rambling! We've got it down to an art form!"  
  
"Uh huh."  
  
"Yuh huh," said Nate, leaning to turn up the song. "Drink a lot of beer and read it backwards."  
  
"Sure, ok," said Patrick. "And for the rest of us."  
  
"But I've got a plan/I've got a plan/To drink for forty days and forty nights/A sip for every second hand tick/And every time you fed the line/"You mean so much to me"/I'm without you," sang Evie, off key and oblivious.  
  
"Sing it out Evie!" yelled Jasper from inside "I can't quite hear you!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"Tell all the English boys you meet/About the American boy back in the states/The American boy you used to date/Who would do anything you say/Tell all the English boys you meet/About the American boy back in the states/The American boy you used to date/Who would do anything you say" sang Patrick and Nate.  
  
Gabe came running out. "Rowan! Can I drink your beer! Jasper said I could!"  
  
"What?!"  
  
"He's lying! He came up with the idea on his own!"  
  
"Bull!"  
  
"And even if her plane crashes tonight/She'll find some way to disappoint me/ By not burning in the wreckage or drowning at the bottom of the sea/ Jess I still taste you and thus reserve my right to hate you/ And all this empty space you create/ Does nothing for my flawless sense of style/ It's 8:45/ it's 8:45/ the weather is getting better by the hour/ rains all the time/ I hope it rains there all the time/ And if you ever said you miss me then don't say you never lied/ I'm without you," yelled Owen and Aisling, dueting, over Rowan and Jasper, Rowan thanking Jasper for putting the idea into Gabe's head while holding the bottle out of Gabe's reach and Jasper denying all accusations.  
  
"A sip! K? Just a sip! And don't the rest of you let him have anything!!!" Gabe put the bottle to his lips and took a small sip. He swallowed and tried not to grimace. Ewwwww. Why would grown ups drink this? Like coffee. Nasty.  
  
He plastered on a smile. "Yummy. Can I have more?"  
  
"No! Not till your 16."  
  
Gabe turned to Nate. "I get to smoke and curse then too!" Gabe ran away, back inside, to the kitchen to get a cup of soda to wash the taste of the beer out of his mouth. Gross.  
  
Everyone looked at Rowan who looked away and sang, pretending nothing had happened, "Tell all the English boys you meet/ About the American boy back in the states/ The American boy you used to date/ Who would do anything you say/ Tell all the English boys you meet/ About the American boy back in the states/ The American boy you used to date/ Who would do anything you say."  
  
"Sixteen?" asked Patrick as the rest of the gang laughed. Rowan shrugged and smiled.  
  
"It justifies everything I do and gives me 10 years to think of a really good excuse for him not to."  
  
"Good example you set."  
  
"Better than me mum did. Not a hard act to follow though."  
  
"So, are you and Gabe gonna go see your Da? I mean, since you're here and all?" Owen didn't sound like he was meddling or trying to be rude, just stating a simple question yet Rowan grew defensive anyway.  
  
"Why would I want to do that? Why would anyone want to visit him? Gabe's a little kid! I'm not going to take him to Mountjoy!"  
  
"Christ, sorry! Meant nothing by it."  
  
"Rowan, it's not like he said he should hang out with the in mates or something," said Evie, trying to be the voice of reason.  
  
"Yeah k," Rowan sounding deflated, taking a small sip of his drink.  
  
"Has Gabe ever seen his Da?" Nate waited for an answer as did everyone, Rowan looking like he really didn't want this conversation to be happening.  
  
"No. Mean to keep it that way."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it /Never gonna get it right, you're never gonna get it," mumbled Rowan waiting for someone to change the subject. Owen began to laugh, all looking at him, scandalized.  
  
"I just remember how even though Rowan was only first class and was hardly ever there he still had the most detentions in the whole school!"  
  
"What can I say? I was an individual."  
  
"I think the correct term is hell raiser," said Jasper, coming out to lower slightly the volume of the stereo.  
  
"Well, that too."  
  
"How about the time you told the teacher to piss off?" asked Nate, laughing.  
  
"I was seven! It was my last day in class! She told you all that it was a good thing I was leaving because it meant you all could study now instead of goofing around with me!"  
  
"Correct memories say that she had already asked all of us to get back in our desks 4 times and that she really said that the class would miss you but we all needed to get back to our studies anyway," said Owen, trying to break it to Rowan gently.  
  
"Shut up Owen."  
  
"Did she really say that?" asked Jasper, evidentially fed a different story.  
  
"Think so," said Owen to him, dodging Rowan's swipe.  
  
"Well hey, the office gave me going away candy. Guess they were upset because they would be out a bit of excitement."  
  
"The school was quiet without you and Sara," remarked Aisling softly.  
  
"And America got louder."  
  
"Well Gabe is here now so. I think the two are pretty evenly matched. I mean, I've only known him for a whole hour and a half but he seems a lot like you when you were little," observed Patrick, watching Gabe play his mother in checkers through the window.  
  
"How would you know Patrick? You were the same age!"  
  
"Do we really have to bring out the picture albums?"  
  
"I'll get 'em!" Nate raced inside and Rowan groaned.  
  
"Feck." 


	8. Cry

Jasper woke to the sound of someone crying. He looked at the floor below him; Rowan was fast asleep, beyond dreams, passed out almost. He hadn't eaten dinner, just came upstairs and collapsed. Billy was working everyone hard but Rowan seemed to be pushing himself further than Billy would dare to go. He was memorizing the tumbling act also- Billy had said if they needed an extra. Rowan had told Jasper later that he took the job because soon an apartment would be needed and Gabe and him would be on their own. As much on their own with everyone checking up on them, making sure they were ok. Rowan would be getting money, four hundred dollars Dwayne had said, to take care of Gabe, like he got money now to take care of himself, but maybe he didn't think of that.  
  
Jasper swung his legs out the other side and stood. The sobs had quieted but they were still audible. "Gabe?" Jasper sat on the edge of Gabe's bed and gently touched the quivering covered from. Gabe struggled to sit up, legs caught in the blankets. He clasped Captain Spoon Bear Man to his chest and rocked.  
  
"Had a nightmare."  
  
"Are you ok?"  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Gabe? You can say no. Or you can yes. It's up to you really."  
  
"I- my nightmare was really scary." Gabe began to cry again, Jasper cradling him in his arms. "I dun, I dun, and I dun LIKE NIGHTMARES!" Gabe wailed and buried his eyes back into Jasper's shirt, making wet spots in the cloth.  
  
"It's ok.. Shhhh. It was only a nightmare.. Shhhh.."  
  
"Not a nightmare!"  
  
"It wasn't?"  
  
"Uh-uh! I dreamed that the Troll came in while I was taking a bath.. And. and. watched me.." Gabe's short burst of sentences were punctuated with sobs. "And his hand.was down his PANTS!!!!!! And he, he, showed ME!!!"  
  
"Shhhh. It's ok. he's not here now.. He won't do that ever again to you. you're ok?"  
  
"Huh."  
  
"Gabe, are you ok?"  
  
"Yu-huh. I just. I keep thinking about him and.."  
  
"You can't get him out of your head?" Rowan sounded haggard but he still got up and came to sit next to Gabe, one hand rubbing his back.  
  
"Uh huh. I don't want to think about it anymore."  
  
"You got to think about, until it doesn't hurt anymore."  
  
"Do you do that?"  
  
"No. I'm too scared to think about my memories."  
  
"You're scared?" Jasper thanked God that Gabe was still young enough to get away with asking- had he questioned he would have been punched and Rowan would have walked away. Rowan scared? Boy Without Fear? This was news.  
  
"Yeah. But Gabe, that doesn't mean you shouldn't do it. Ok? I'll learn not to be scared and you have to learn to be ok with remembering the Troll and Mom. K?"  
  
"Uh huh. I think I wants to go to sleep."  
  
"K. Night Gabe." Rowan gently pressed his lips against Gabe's hair and stumbled back to sleep. Jasper lay Gabe down for a minute and watched him fall asleep. Ruffled his hair and started to get up. "Jasper?"  
  
"Yea?"  
  
"Is Rowan really scared of his memories?"  
  
"I think so." Gabe looked confused.  
  
"But he's supposed to not be afraid of anything."  
  
"Everyone's afraid of something Gabe."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Night."  
  
"Night Night." 


	9. Letter to You 3

Rowan-  
  
So your first show (you all it a demo, I still say it's a show)is tomorrow- good luck. Weird that this email will actually get to you before your show. Ex-nae on the letters-ay now? I was never good at Pig Latin. Anyway I've been living off this vegan diet- first because meat is a tad too expensive unless I hit fast food but I really don't want to do that because some guys I know work there too and lets just say they have, er, fun with the food. So in the morning I'll grab like something from a produce stand. literally. And a lot of people are vegans (or just really liberal) around here so if someone brings in food for the store it tends to be meat/dairy free.  
  
I had my show the other night. It went really well- a bunch of people I know, work with and people who come to the Fanatic showed. And only one person had a negative thing to say- and that was some girl telling me that my shirt was dirty. I guess that's what happens when you wash your clothes in a bathtub. All of them [my clothes, not the bath tub] are gray now. I've been talking to Alby and he wants me to come out to NY for a show or two. Says 'associates' have been liking my stuff. Not to insult the guy but sometimes he sounds like he's trying to sound professional. But he can pull it off I guess. I made money off the show too, which is nice. Maybe soon I'll take my wad out of my sock and trust the bank with it. But who knows?  
  
So you want to know about Hazen. I can talk to him and he's 23 so stop coughing Anna Nicole. You prick. He's nice, sweet. Great, well hello Hallmark channel. We've gone to movies and stuff. Been out with one or two guys, one who came to my show and another I met at the skate park taking pictures (when I woke up he apologized for his board and asked me out) Nobody has really pushed themselves on me and the people (yeah politically correct) at Fanatic are ok with me being gay. Then again, one has 8 piercings (5 face and 3 'unmentionables'). She's nice though. And a guy has pink hair. But he's very very very straight. So he says. Sure. Speaking of hair mine is currently tipped red. Boredom at the store amounts to hair dying, skating on their mini ramp, music discussion and oh such much more. I told one or two people about you and they said you sound cool. Want to meet you. Guess they forget the whole Horizon thing.  
  
But best of luck and come back to America.  
  
-Herb Ritts hopeful 


	10. Opening

Rowan chewed on his nail and took his hand away, looked at the blood on the clear nail, red on the white crescent moon. Looked like one of the cuts he had picked at had ripped. His lips were now never going to be ready for a lip-gloss for men ad. Did they have those? He continued pacing, doing everything in his power to keep himself from second guessing his routine. Think of other things. You know this thing. You could do it with your eyes closed. Just not with a hand behind your back. You need those to catch the knife.  
  
The bass beat out- he always made sure that was the loudest instrument- that was what he balanced himself against, what he wound his performance around. The bass throbbing the sides of his skull counting the beat into his head. He could black out and he would still know the count, where he was supposed to be when he woke up. He knew that to be true because it had happened before. It was never hard for his father to hit him with enough force to see stars. And when he ducked, well, it was all the worse for him.  
  
Someone was announcing him. He should really start making an effort to know everyone's name. That could be helpful should for some reason he screw up and need people to help him formulate an alibi. Cautiously Rowan flipped a knife and caught it. Rhythm. "I'm a little white boy with a big ole black voice" he heard someone sing, practicing vocals, loosing up, trying to calm down. Dear God, no. That's the last thing he wanted to be stuck in his head. Gabe was watching the show from in the stands. First time. Hope he liked it. Rowan hadn't told Gabe that no one was really going to get hurt (so everyone hoped). Let him see the show like a customer. Customers. Demo. This was a demo. Still a show.  
  
Rowan pushed apart the heavy curtain (weighted so customers couldn't see people warming up, colored dark so customers couldn't see it's difference from the wall) and stepped outside. The bass beat on. 


	11. Shower Scene

Rowan rolled his back underneath the water. Ow. God he was tired. So tired. He leaned against the tile and let the water soak into his skin. When he was little and after he had been in the shower for a long time, he had loved it when he pressed his skin, water would leak out of his pores. Gabe liked to do that too. Rowan smiled in memory of giving Gabe his bath yesterday. Splashing each other, giving the bar of soap a name and life story, having Mr. Soapy fight crime with Captain Spoon Bear Man.  
  
Rowan guessed Gabe was like him. Maybe. But Gabe smiled more; Rowan didn't need to get outside perspective on that one- he knew it to be true. Gabe still trusted. Gabe liked meeting new people. Like Patrick and Aisling and Mrs. Galloway and all of them. He liked meeting Billy. Billy liked him, so that was a fair deal.  
  
Rowan stopped running his hands through his hair and looked at his hands, the soap dripping off his life line, love line, palms. Dripped down his wrists, past the tattoo, rested for a moment on the creases of his elbows and dripped to the tile. Billy had been doing double takes every time he saw Rowan's arms. He had pulled Rowan off to the side yesterday and finally asked. So Rowan told him. Used to be a junky. Now tried to stop hurting himself. Billy had stayed quiet and then hugged him. Rowan hadn't really wanted to be touched but he still made contact with Billy's back with one hand.  
  
Gabe was at a film with Jasper. Maybe Rowan could just put on his boxers and sleep in Jasper's bed tonight. He wouldn't mind. Hopefully. If he did, well, back to the floor. No, he wouldn't. Mind. But- no. He couldn't. Gabe hadn't seen Rowan without a shirt yet. It was bad enough he saw Rowan's wrists, arms. His face. Seeing the skin that was so pock marked, so marked. That couldn't be good for him. Rowan shut off the water and began to towel off. 


	12. Letter to You 4

Dear (Row)An(n) Landers-  
  
Do I look like a virgin? I mean seriously- the group spent 2 hours! yesterday discussing my sex/dating life. Why? Because someone said I looked 'innocent'. INNOCENT?! God I know the tongue stud isn't like a huge bad boy thing but I mean c'mon! Messy hair, unwashed clothing, good music taste, living in a hotel, I could at least be indie! Hell, straight edge! But a VIRGIN!!!!!!! C'mon, I chickened, sold my frickin body for 3 years, Christ sake "hustled"- yeah; I'm still a virgin. Though they don't really know about the body selling and all that shit yet. Not that I really want to tell them.  
  
But hey yeah. Whatever. So I don't look gay (according to you) but I look innocent. God, innocent. INNOCENT?  
  
But on your swing of things, what are your friends like? Have they been to the shows? You've got like 4 days left there right? Keeping up with your schooling? Peter's emailing you the assignments right? Here's a big fat HA!  
  
-Confused About Image in Venice 


End file.
